Bad Movie Review #1

Laser Hawk

Starring Mark Hamill, the slightly growed-up kid from Free Willy and some other guys.  Except that Mark Hamill only got about 30 minutes of screen time.  We think they just wanted to make this movie seem more like Star Wars, but could only afford so much of Mark Hamill.  The budget ran out, so they killed him off.  However, we are getting ahead of ourselves.

During the opening credits they explain the entire plot of the movie. This is always a bad sign because if you have to explain the movie before the movie starts, it means that you’ll be less likely to understand the movie.  Then we go to Wisconsin, the epicenter of all things not quite right.  There we meet the kid from Free Willy who plays a character named Zack.  Zack has gained fame and fortune for himself by faking a UFO incident by filming it in his basement with a blue screen.  This hoax was so convincing he got a visit from the Air Force and an open offer from random popular girl who would apparently give it up for any achievement, however minor.

But the hoax comes out and Zack gets sentenced to a part time job by dad, whose uniform for the movie is a wife beater and boxers.  Then he gets stalked by an angsty goth chick who sucked down an entire can of sugar, proving her alien origins.  After dropping off his coworker, he drives off into the woods and starts off-roading for no apparent reason.  There he spots his first UFO!  For reals.  He manages to escape but the stupid football team on the bus wasn’t so lucky.  They saw a train, got excited and next thing you know, they’re the main course for an alien dinner party.  Sheriff Pudgy Incompetent botches public relations by telling the parents that the missing kids are fine and to go home. Then they find the dinner remains which is mostly the bus.

In the meantime, Zack has followed the racing cop car to the location of the bus on his 10 speed, showing his alien origins in that he was able to keep up with the car on a Schwinn.  Saith Steve: We should sign this kid up for the Tour de France.  After being rejected by his meth-head friend, Zack decides to take his concerns to goth girl Kara.  Together they decide to crash the crime scene bus and look for clues.  Fortunately, they can’t contaminate the crime scene any more than Sheriff Pudgy did in his “thorough investigation” of the bus.  In a grand “Ah Ha, Caught YOU!” moment, Pudgy does pop out from a bus seat and confront the kids.  This is the last time they had any trouble getting in anywhere in this movie.

As Sheriff Pudgy drives them back to town, they notice that the town is empty.  After a few moments of confusion, the UFO appears again.  Pudgy leads them on a road chase though town, while goth girl Kara screeches for everybody to hold still because she saw it in a comic book.  End result: Kids = Live,  Pudgy = Dies because Zack was able to obtain the squad car’s shotgun, shoot out the back window and kids escaped, Pudgy got stuck in the pass though and didn’t think to open the door and get out instead.  Last we see of Pudgy, he’s floating off with his coffee and doughnuts to become alien breakfast.  No big loss.

“My god, my mother, my mother” goes Zack and then he proceeds to forget about her for the rest of the movie.  After they discover they have two parts of the Alien Triforce, the dynamic duo decide the next course of action is to take the car and go find the creator of the comic book that Kara read all this crap in.  At this point the story enters the true realm of science fiction.  The comic book creator has been given a $50,000 advance and lives in a palatial mansion with a butler and a swimming pool in the living room. This is simply impossible. No comic book creator makes that sort of money.

This is where we learn the duo’s super power.  The wonder twins can walk into any place without any questions.  They get admitted everywhere.  First to comic guy’s house where they find that all this stuff came from a raving maniac in an asylum who gave him the third part of the Triforce for safe keeping.  Triforce glows, shows them weird alien writing which attacks the hostile aliens who start firing on the house and kill the butler.  Run Away!

Next, off to the Asylum where they use their powers again to break crazy Bob out of the joint.  Played by Mark Hamill as his stock role as “crazy guy” (see Joker).  After they run around with Mark Hamill in a hospital gown for 20 minutes, they proceed into a UN/Air Force Base located in the middle of Wisconsin (figure that one out).  And they blow up Mark Hamill.  Right after they had gotten him clothes.  They didn’t bother using their wonder twin powers to walk into the base and got Mark to do it.  It’s a shame they blew him up because he was apparently the spaceship’s pilot.

Eventually they break into the hanger and use the Triforce to open the space ship, magically remember that they were the 250 million year old alien crew of the ship (minus pilot) and then get caught.  There’s a screaming army guy that ignores the fact that these kids were able to walk into the hanger and open the alien space ship they had been trying to break into for the last 15 years.  Then smart army guy realizes that they are probably telling the truth because they have the Triforce and punches screaming in the face to save the day.  Because comic book guy whined like a baby, he got to replace Mark Hamill on the crew instead of the trained fighter pilot.  And they make him gunner.  As they take off and go into battle.

Then comes the anticlimactic climax where they shoot up stuff and destroy the mother ship like in every video game and sci fi movie.  Then some glowy entities come and tell them to go help another planet next.  Completely ignoring the fact that an entire town may have been blown up with the mothership, including Zack’s mother.  But since it appeared that most of the town were jerks, we guess that was okay.  Moral of the story: Don’t be a jerk otherwise when aliens come and eat you, nobody will feel bad.

In other news, work continues apace.


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